The Deep End::

Respect.

What's sad is, the memory of being with a girl that I respect is fading. It's faded. I just can't remember what it's like. Does that make me a bad person? Or is it just that I choose not to simply give out respect? Could it be that everyone else just has low standards when it comes to whom they should show respect? Or am I just a prick?

Well I definitely am a prick. No one is debating that. But in addition to that, I'm also very picky. I just can't respect some girl who is blathering on and on about how life just isn't worth living if she can't get a fucking contract in some bullshit school district. How if she can't teach there, then she doesn't want to teach at all. Honey, wake up. Your job is bullshit. I mean the dumbest guy I knew in college was an elementary education major. Your job is mostly making sure they don't kill each other, or develope some microcosmic Lord of the Flies type social order. After that it's basically just killing time before recess and cleaning up pee.

Alright. Maybe that's an exaggeration. A slight hyperbole. But the point is, the day to day minutia of your life, is boring me to tears. That's why I broke up with you. It's not the distance. It's because you're not smart enough. You're eye candy. And you have stubby potato feet. Lord help me if she ever reads this.

But she won't. She's no doubt already forgotten that I even mentioned it. Casually. Once. And then never again. I should really get around to lowering my estimations of people.

And the one before her.... religious nut. Born again bullshit. I must obey the bible, even though I've never actually read it. But I have this guy who I call my pastor -- the qualifications of which are owning a black shirt and being able to button it up all the way -- He reads and interprets the bible and then tells me what to do so I don't have to do any thinking on my own. And I can feel good about myself and look down on everyone else because he tells me that as long as I don't do any dancing, I'll go to heaven. And that just makes sense. Oh, and by the way, when I decide I don't want to date you anymore, instead of telling you, I'm going to use my religion as an excuse to not show you any physical affection until our relationship degrades into a sort of plutonic dislike and you have no choice but to break up with me. Because I'm mature and well adjusted.

What a nightmare. Skinny, big tits, complete moron. Yup, those are the qualifications, apparently.

And of course it could never work out. Being good looking is a definite plus, but where do hot girls learn about the bedroom? Cause let me tell you, they suck. And not in a good way. Maybe this is too much information, but seriously, are you kidding? Is this really it? Do you think this is good for me?

Look. I'm a man, and all men are shallow. It's a fact of life we all have to come to terms with eventually. And me...I'm as shallow as it gets. I couldn't possibly drain any more out of the pool. I"m at the bottom. I know it. You know it.

But really, being shallow just isn't as fun as it used to be.

Having no respect for the person you're with really undermines the whole relationship. I just say fucked up shit all the time. I always say I'm kidding afterwards, but I hardly ever am. Like I'll be asked a question, and my response will be "because you're dumb." Literally. I'm not kidding. And I'll say "I'm just playing." But really I'm not. I mean, I can remember having said that and having really been joking, but that hasn't happened for a long ass time. The reason you don't get it, is because you're dumb. You're just too fucking dense. It's funny to me, and I can't share it with you because by the time I explain it to you it terms you can understand, it won't be funny anymore. In fact, having to explain it to you depresses me. Really, it does.

What if you could just come out and tell someone, "you know what, you're a nice person, but you're just not good enough for me." Tell me you never thought that. Go ahead. Try and keep a straight face and tell me you never thought that about someone. You know you did.

Ok. So maybe I am a bad person. But I at least try not to hurt people's feelings and at laest I'm honest about myself and how I feel. I mean, if I treat someone with totally disrespect and disregard, you'd think they wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. You'd think that girl would just break up with me and save me the trouble. But somehow, and I'm not being conceited here, that never seems to happen. How can I respect you, when clearly you have no respect for yourself. And also you're dumb.

When I play Jeopardy with a girl, and for the whole half hour, I'm the only one talking...that's bad. You must know about something. Anything. What the hell is in there anyway? Party mix? I want to crack your head open because I'm pretty sure it's full of party mix.

I'm slowly wading into the deep end. I'll get there someday. I just hope I don't go off it.