Idle Time::

Is this it? I'm so disappointed. Where's the glamour? The interesting people? Where's my life?

Dave. Dave is my friend, my colleague, my mentor. At work, anyway. We also drink together sometimes. Dave has a wife and a new daughter and he's moving away. He's moving away to a better job in a nicer area that costs less and has better schools for his daughter. His daughter. The child which he spawned, with the help of his wife, kristen. they are adults. They have lives. Things happen to them. They know other adults.

They're both intelligent, interesting people, who lead eventful lives with a clear path and a comforting security.

I, however, live some kind of sham life, with seemingly no point and very little action. I work all day and night, I make money which I do nothing with, I see know one except the people I work with, I meet a million people every night and not one of them is the least bit interesting, or adds the tiniest bit of flavor into what is quickly becoming a bland and boring routine. Sleep, work, practice, sleep, work, gig, sleep, gig, sleep, work, sleep, sleep, sleep....

In a hundred years we'll all be dead.

What is the fucking point? Don't you see? Just tell me. What is the fucking point of it all?

Grand philosophical questions are such bullshit.

I just can't figure it out. All your life you're directed, driven towards something, and then you get there and it's like, this is it? This is what you made me work so hard for? This bullshit?

Genuine pleasure in life is so fleeting. There was that minute earlier when she said that line on that TV show -- that was funny. It made me feel good, and reminded me of happy times for a second.

Ok, so I'm in a rut. I get it. It's not the end of the world. It's just...a dry spell. A period of inaction. A waiting room. Something interesting will happen to me soon. Someone will finally say something insightful to me. It will happen. Someone will say something and it will change my whole attitude about everything, and I'll see things in a totally different light. It will renew my faith in humanity. It will provide some motivatioin to talk to someone, and incite hope that they will not be stupid. Someday, sometime, somebody or something will be cool.

All it is, is burnout. Working hours that are too long, putting too much effort into a dream that is not moving fast enough, never taking a second to sit back and breathe. Constantly working because I haven't got anything else. I always wanted it this way. Empty. Simple.

Cut. Dry.

So what's my problem? All I know about, is my life. I need to create something. Something memorable. I just want to be memorable. I need to be part of something bigger than me.

I'm going to start practicing again. Really devote myself to it. I'm going to quit wasting time relaxing. I'll force myself to be great. I'll take a methodical organized approach involving repetition and improvisation and I'll make myself into something that I can respect again. Seems like I used to be so much surer. Is that a word? Surer? More sure? See? I don't even know that anymore.

Well that's it. My mind is made up. That's what I'm going to do. Hell, it's the longest relationship I've ever had. Hands and strings. A match made in heaven.

I need to not need this.

If I can just make something good, I'll be ok.