Frustrated with the idiocy of youth



"hey well i dun feel like updatin bout nethin b4 2day cus nuttin happened neway so 2day i came bac 2 atlantic city and me an ava went 2 da beach but it was freezin so we came bac an messed wit pplz online (soo funni lol) then we went bac down2 tha beach an then afterwards we went bac 2 her house an went in tha hottub then bianca came ova so we stayed in there 4 awhile then we went online 4 a sec (an i got a nosebleed lol) then we went bac 2 da beach an we were like tryin2 have a conversation but every 5 seconds we'd b hit by a wave lol so then after that ....."

It goes on like that for several more would-be paragraphs, separated from literary classics only by its lack of any type of coherence and its complete disregard of any sort of grammatical convention. This is what I like to call "the idocy of youth."

Now, I am no longer what I might be inclined to call "young." In fact, I'm old. I'm real old. I'm not as old as your mom, but I'm old enough to be her embarrassingly too young for her sextoy. The point is, I can't read this. This, to me, appears as feces smeared all over the page. It's crap. It's the crap of crap. The person who wrote it....is crap. You.....are probably also crap, but it isn't good practice to insult the reader, so I'll abstain from calling attention to your obvious crapitude.

Being old, as I am, I feel as though I may have lost touch, somewhat, with the mainstream demographic, and at least a year early I might add. I just can't get excited about khakis and flip flops. Not that I ever could, but lately I especially can't. I think pop music is pretty much a dick in the ear, and I think "punk rockers" should die of gonnarhea and rot in hell.

Man, when did I get this bitter? Oh wait, I was always this bitter. Ha.

My stand up routine.




Declared hereunder for the first time ever, and possible last time, though not likely, whoa too many commas already in this sentence, is my new standup routine, which I have never, ever performed live and which stands a very good chance of never, ever being performed live by anyone, anywhere. These jokes are listed in no particular order, and without segues. Man, the word "segue" looks nothing like how it's pronounced. How do you even get that? Who looks at that word and goes, "sure segway, that's obvious?" That's not in the routine but the following are.

Here goes. Please be kind.


joke #1.

Seems like there's a lot of drug commercials on TV lately. The other day I saw a commercial for this drug Paxil CR. It's an antidepressant drug, and they show all these clips of people being happy and leading exciting lives with picnics and stuff. And then they launch into this huge laundry list of side effects. And they're really strange side effects too, like, yawning, and sweating, shaking, abnormal vision, loss of apaetite,sexual side effects. The list just goes on and on...and I'm thinking, how happy could you possibly be if your taking this drug. "Well, sure, I'm yawning sweaty, dizzy, shaking, can't eat, can't shit, and can't get an erection....but at least I'm not depressed. Cause that..........would really suck. Who's up for a picnic?"

Joke #2

So I moved into a small apartment in the city....and its small, but its ok...the only thing I don't like about it is the toilet. Really weak flush on the toilet. keeps getting clogged. I hate that. I want one of those toilets you see in department store bathrooms and gym lockerrooms. YOu know the ones that jut straight out of the wall, prison style, and have those flush levers. I always feel like a secret passage is going to open when I push the lever down. But the great thing about those toilets is the flush....its like a reverse nuclear explosion. I flush at the gym and tiles are getting sucked off the walls into the toilet. Its like a black hole, light can't escape the gym toilet flush. You could stuff a small dog down this thing, mine can't even handle number one.

joke #3
I love chinese food....you know what my favorite is....General Tso's chicken. Fantastic, of course I never got the connection between The chicken and the 19th century chinese general. I can't really see the guy winning too many battles...I mean, how fast can soldiers really move with a belly full of fried chicken and molasses? Not exactly the breakfast of champions. And what is it with military leaders and chicken? There's general Tso, colonel sanders? Are they in the tent on the battle field experimenting with spices? "Sure my men are decimated and defeat is imminent, but that is a tasty glaze..... I bet they'd die before they gave up that recipe...

joke #4
So the thing about my job is the bathroom is real small. It's like a urinal and a stall and that's it. So naturally I mean a little...concerned about doing business in there so to speak. I mean its so tiny, its like an anal ampitheater in there. Its like your puttin on a rectal concert for everybody that happens to come in. And everybody knows everybody...you can tell who it is just by the shoes stickin out. If there's one thing you don't want co workers hearing it's the sounds you make when you're "in a meeting." How can you look somebody in the eye after something like that, all I can think is "unnnngh, rrrngg..."


Well that's it for right now, People. Four whole jokes. Not exactly ready for Atlantic City yet....but I'm working on it. More to come....