Hell Phone::


Let me just say, right off the bat, that I just cannot grasp how amazingly idiotic cell phone companies are. The only way wireless carriers can succeed is if they prevent any problems from happening in the first place. Because once the tinest, most insigficant problem arises, the entire customer service division of any wireless company completely shuts down and morphs into a giant middle finger.

Let me try to summarize the incredible events of the last two months:

June 10th:
It was on this day that I found out that Sprint, a company with which I had never dealt, but whom I had heard good things about, was releasing a version of my favorite cell phone without the camera. This was a good thing for me because my highly sensitive and secure occupation does not allow camera phones in the buildings. Overjoyed that things were finally going my way, I immediately call sprint and order the phone and service, both of which were obviously overpriced, but worth it to me seeing as I'm wiping my ass with money right now.

June15th:
My phone arrives. It is awesome. I am happy. For a few fleeting days.

June 22nd:
My brand new superphone spontaneously and without cause develops what I would describe as a rattle. Some loose part inside the phone shaking around making noise and causing me some anxiety.

June 23rd:
I go to my local sprint pcs store, where they inform me that "wow, that's messed up" and that I'm entitled to a brand new phone -- with a camera. No, no, I say, this is a special camera-less version. Huh? they say, and, we didn't even know we offered that phone, because we're sprint, and not only do we have virtually no communication between business units, but also all the people who work here are mongoloid retards. Then they tell me that the only way to get a new phone is to call sprint. And I tell them that they are sprint. And they tell me that I have to call someone else, who, dichotomously, are also sprint.

SoI call the number they give me, and sprint 2 tells me to go back to the store because they are the only ones who can order me a new phone. So I do, and sprint 1 tells me to call sprint 2 back and tell them that sprint 1 can't help me, because they are all missing a pair of chromosomes. So I do, and sprint 2 tells me to go back into the store and tell sprint 1 --- here's where I lose it. I tell sprint 2 that they had better get me a new fucking phone, because so help me god I will come down there and rip your testicles off sprint 2, and then I will beat you over the head with a shovel and shove you're newly amputated testes into the gaping head wound that I had preesently inflicted upon you, so that you may get a sense of my frustration. So they offered me an alternative where I buy a second phone, and when it comes send the first one back and get a refund, thereby only effectively paying for one phone total. And being in the money-as-toilet-paper phase that I'm in, I say ok.

June 29th:
My new phone arrives. It is awesome. It is brand new. It has a goddamn camera on it. I call sprint 2 up and they say, our bad, send it back, and we'll send you a new one. So I send it back.

July 15th:
I call sprint 2 and ask where my new phone is having never received it. They say what phone. I say the phone you're supposed to send me. Then I try to explain the whole situation up until this point, to which the crack customer service team correctly responds by hanging up on me. I call back. I go through the same routine with someone else. They hang up on me. I call a third time. I explain the situation once again complete with hangups. Finally the third person sort of gets it, tells me that they refunded me for the second phone, but never charged me for a third. Here's where I stop myself from asking why they didn't just keep the money and put it towards the right phone--that question could only lead the obviously already challenged customer service monkey into confusion. So I just cut my losses. I say fine, charge me for the third phone and fucking send it to me, you blunt, ignorant douche stick. They say ok.

July 22th:
I call sprint again to find out where my new phone is. My old phone has now degenerated into an abacus. I explain the situation up to that point. They don't get it. I re-explain. They re-don't get it. I reduce my explanation to monosyllabic words and a series of grunts, and they finally start catching on. They say no phone was ordered. I have to order again. I do. They say I have to pay more this time because I've been accruing service charges for services that I've been using but don't have on my account. Then I tell them that I ordered those services long ago, and that there's no way I'm paying an extra hundred bucks for some shit I should have had but don't because they screwed up, yet again. Finally they adjust my account, I pay for my regular service charge, plus the new phone cost.

July 26th:
Finally I receive my new phone, planning to send the old phone back when I get time which happens to be tomorrow, August 8th. After having had the phone for a week, I'm satisfied that it's in working condition, and after only a month and a half and the cost of three phones, I have the service and device I originally wanted. Kudos to sprints 1 and 2. But wait, there's more.

Today, Aug 7th:
I notice that for the past three days there's been a negative balance on my account, denoting that sprint actually owes me money, i.e. the refund from the second phone. This money does me no good here, and I could definitely use it elsewhere, so I call and ask sprint 2 to please refund that credit to my credit card. They do. Several hours later, I get out of work and try to make a phone call. I am directed to a service that says my invoice was not paid on time, and they've suspended service. I go online to my account. It tells me my balance is zero dollars. I call back and decide to pay the fifty bucks the phone guy says I owe. I go back online, now my account balance is negative fifty dollars. Many, many hours later I still have no service, and now the phone guy tells me I owe sprint the approximate cost of my phone, which I coincidentally just had refunded to my credit card. Now, as you no doubt see, there's a miscommunication here somewhere. I mean why would sprint 2, in its all knowing middle-fingerness, give me a refund only to claim that I owe them that money a few hours later. I bought a phone for a bunch of money, paid for it, then sent it back and received credit for it, cashed that credit, and now somehow I owe them money. There are two possible answers. One is that the sprint corporation is run by amoebas. The second is that I've entered some twilight-zone-esque alternate dimension where everyone is stupid. Well stupider then they usually are anyway.

Now, I acknowledge the fact the I was wrong, sort of. Sprint doesn't really owe me any money, and if you review carefully, you'll see why. Unless you're from sprint. In that case, give up before your head explodes. But, why then, would they refund me any money? It doesn't make sense. The saddest part is that, sprint online, we'll call this sprint 3, says that my balance is negative fifty bucks. Sprint on the phone (sprint 2) tells me that I owe them like six hundred bucks. The problem is that they only let you pay up to two times your balance at any time. This means that sprint 2, having erroneously refunded my money, has somehow informed sprint 3 that my balance is correctly negative 50 bucks, and now neither sprints 2 or 3 will allow me to pay them back the money that sprint 2 claims that I owe them. I realize that this has now reached ludicrous speed, and there's really nothing I can do. I'm going to have to go back to sprint 1 tomorrow and try and dumb down my situation into sprint-speak, or what I like to call kooky-talk, and maybe they'll have someone with higher than a fifth grade education working the service desk.

So, about two months, the cost of three phones, about 4 hours in phone conversations, three hangups, and about two and a half ulsers worth of frustration, I wind up with one broken phone and one functional phone with no service. Again, sprint has raised the bar for corporate stupidity and general incompetence. Thank you, sprint. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pee in sprint's won-ton soup.