Choices. Period.

There come, infrequently, times in each person's life, or at least in my life, that suggest the cusp of an event; the beginning or end of something; an anticipation of newness; a kind of wonder and curiosity and fear of and about the future, a feeling I might compare to losing sight of the shore. These times simply evoke a feeling, a silent and perhaps unexplainable premonition that things are going to be different, or that things that were, are no longer. I guess it's only natural that a feeling like this encourage some reflection, and at least a half-hearted examination and evaluation of the decisions and actions that lead to this point.

Is this one of those times?

Change has crept up on me, it seems. Gradually, and without my noticing. But now, somehow, I'm faced with the whole of this gradual change all at once. When I look at the way my life is now, I'm optimistic about the future, but unsure, and nostalgic about the past. Sometimes I feel encased comfortably in my dream, the execution of which is progressing smoothly, if a little slower than I planned. Other times, idle times, I feel very alone.

I'm not regretful, in general. I think I learned hard lessons the hard way, but I learned quick, and I haven't forgotten. Everything I ever wanted has lead me to this point, which I'm proud of, but this point also lacks some qualities that I never wanted, and never thought I wanted, and am still not sure I want at all. But I'm even less sure that I don't. This is definitely new.

Did you ever feel like no one else .... gets it?

Like when you see something that's amazing, funny, insightful, revealing.... and then you realize that no one is going to see it that same way. No matter how perfectly you phrase it, how soon you replay it, how accurately you reproduce it; no one is going to get it the way you did, right then. Not anymore.

In general, things never turn out the way you expect them to. Not exactly.

Did you ever read 'Singularity' ? It's a childrens book about these two twin brothers who spend a summer away from their parents. At the place they stay, they find a shelter, built on a large stone and discover that inside, time moves much faster. A person could walk inside, spend hours and when they walk out again only seconds have past. The two brothers are identical only in appearance. The one is clearly the stronger of the two, and the weaker, in fear of his brother doing the same and leaving him behind, steps into the sigularity and spend an entire year inside. When he walks out again a year older, it has only been a few hours, not even a day. But he is separated now from his brother, in a very real physical and emotional way, and he feels a certain regret, and certain detachment that he didn't expect. He doesn't regret it entirely, because he feels stronger, more sure, more... not sure why I thought I that just now...

So what's the point? The point is that my life and every life will continue to change and evolve. My brothers will make me laugh, and pound my fists, and I will see and hear things in a way that hardly anyone could possibly understand. I will burn bridges and build new ones. Everyone has choices to make. But I'm not going to try and control my choices by limiting the scope of my experience. I want to look forward and back.

But hey, I'll make my choices and you'll make yours. And who knows, I mean, the middle is a big place... maybe we'll meet there someday.