Stuff That Sucks: Death Proof

Ok, just calm down. I wanted to like this movie. Really, I did. I was totally psyched to like it. I went in expecting to love it. Tarantino, car chases, gruesome gory awesomeness all in a convenient homage to the grindhouse movie watching experience. And I get that it's supposed to be bad. I get that it's made to be a "B" movie. But here's the thing about "B" movies: They suck ass. They're "B" movies, because if they were any good, they'd be "A" movies, or "independent" movies, or some other such nonsense. But Death Proof is a "B" movie in it's truest sense. In fact, were I rating it on an alphabetic scale, I'd probably put it in the low M's.

It sucked. Granted, there were a few decent parts... the car chase at the end, the amazingly and repeatedly bloody accident scene shown from different perspectives, and maybe a tenth of the dialogue were all entertaining. But the lasting overall impression that I got from the film was: "Wha?" The plot was barely there, and arguably missing altogether, and the ending was abrupt and unsatisfying. I didn't hate the antagonist, if you could call him that, I actually kind of liked him, and by the end of the movie, I kind of wanted all those stupid wannabe badass bitches to eat asphalt. Maybe it's because the second group of girls was so fucking annoying, or maybe it's because the token black chick was such a painfully stereotypical cartoon of herself, or maybe it was that they were all just so goddamned annoying, but I just couldn't get attached to them. no character development, no plot evolution, no story, very low entertainment value altogether.

And I know...it's supposed to be that way, but, I don't know, I just thought it would be that way, except in an edgy, different, entertaining sort of way, that kind of redefined the long dead genre and breathed some life into it. But this movie could easily fit on a shelf with every other god awful piece of shit "B" movie no one's ever heard of but that your hippie, alternative friend with the dreadlocks told you was "totally mind-opening, man."

The worst part is that the companion movie, Planet Terror, composed by the familiar Tarantino counterpart Robert Rodriguez, actually looks pretty awesome, just like Death Proof looked awesome when i saw its trailer. And when I see it, and it inevitably sucks monkey balls, it will be nobody's fault but mine. And Robert Rodriguez's. I predict I'll put most of the blame on him.

To sum up, Death Proof is less fun then a car crash, and takes a whole lot longer.