I'm thinking maybe I should change the name of this blog to "Stuff That Sucks." If only because of the unbelievable multitude of stuff that really, really sucks that's out there. Someone needs to just stop and go through it all (See: Stuff That Sucks:: David, The Guy Who Registered The StuffThatSucks blogspot blog, Never Posts To It and has No Contact Info).
Look, we all know the dangers of zippers. We've seen "There's Something About Mary" (See Stuff That Sucks:: There's Something About Mary"), and we've all, (and by "we've all" here, I mean "I've") zipped up a little too quick, taking a little too cavalier an attitude about the interlocking metal teeth that guard the portal to our nether regions. Those suckers are tough, and they don't take "skin" for an answer. The point is, yeah, there's a potential junk hazard right there, every time you access the mainframe, so to speak, and you run the risk of inflicting injury upon your most prized jewels every time you open that door. The question is, is the convenience worth the risk?
Enter -- The Button Fly. This little idea gem replaces the all too familiar lap taffy guillotine with an innocuous looking set of buttons. Devised by a taylor named Jacob Davis in the late nineteenth century, the button fly was originally used on rugged workpants that davis made and later patented with Levi Strauss. The button fly wasn't the attraction to the garment so much as the metal rivets that were used to reinforce points of stress like the pockets. Right then, at the inception of the product, Davis and Levi both new that goddamned button fly was gonna piss people off.
The modern zipper, however, wasn't invented by Gideon Sundback until 1913, and even then, it was another 21 years before people were finally persuaded to "give up" their fly buttons for zippers. I can understand their skepticism, really. But seriously, that button fly is such a pain in the ass. I mean, short of closing your pants with a pair of scissors, I think just about anything is better than that.
The thing is, there must be some (stupid) people that still like this thing. Cause they still make it. And people buy it (thanks, Mom). But I think all of us modern, intelligent people can agree, the button fly totally sucks. It's hard to open, even harder to close, it takes too goddamned long to operate, and nine time out of ten, you're operating it in an environment where you don't want to spend too much time doing any unseen fumbling or fiddling. People are liable to think you either can't find the goods or you're spending a little too much "quality time" at the urinal. Neither one of those things could be good.
So, to sum up: Button Fly. Sucks ass. Steer clear of button fly jeans, and if you absolutely have to buy them, My advice: just leave your fly open. Face it, nobody's lookin' down there anyway.
